


Everything that was never said

by Bomes



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternative Perspective, Angst, Awesome, Confusion, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Male Slash, New York City, Sad, Sexual Confusion, Sexual Content, Sexual Experimentation, Slash, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 09:47:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/620776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bomes/pseuds/Bomes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: There is always a happy ending? Kendall and Logan's relationship came to end because of a terrible situation. So, to find out why they relationship gone wrong, Logan write letters to Kendall, analising all they relationship, from the beginning to the end. Each letter, a new discovery... Kogan/Slash</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything that was never said

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This is my first fanfic ever. I write a lot, but not a fanfic. So, I started to read fanfic a few months ago, and after reading a book from one of my favorite authors (Daniel Handler), wich the plot inspired me to write this fanfic. Only the idea, which it's NOT MINE. It's from DANIEL HANDLER. Anyway, I just take the base of the plot, because everything else it's diferent from the book. Really, everything. So, I know it isn't that good, but I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN BIG TIME RUSH, OR ANY BRAND THAT IT'S IN THIS FANFIC.

Kendall,

First you will hear a knock on the front door. So your mom, who's in the kitchen, making the spaghetti sauce, will look back to the door thinking "Who might be?". She keeps asking herself who is, but still stirring the pot so that the sauce doesn't figure. But even so, she will answer the door. But you don't, Kendall. You will not. You will continue in your room, lying on your old bed while looking at the ceiling. Tired and alone. You would take a nap, but you're too heartbroken for that. At least, I hope so. But, thinking again, I guess you not. You aren't compassionate.

So, I'll let this letter in your door, ring the bell and run. Actually, I'm not sure that you'll read it. Probably, you'll only read it up to half, because you think it is too long – and it is, pretty much long. Whatever. And you hate reading, especially when it have "hard" words, as you call often. Anyway, I'll write it until the end. It can have five hundred pages, but still, I'll write it and give it to you.

Still, even after all, I still believe in you. I believe you have the ability of think about someone else but you. I think you can see what love means, even that you're not the best person for it. So, I want you to receive this letter. I want you to know everything. Everything that was never said.

Thinking well, I guess you know what is love. You have your mother, your little sister, and your creepy cat who hasn't tail. I think you love it. You take care of it, like a child. Maybe he's your son. What's it name? I don't know. See? I'm already starting to forget.

I remember one thing in particular. The day we were in bed, listening to that new Iron Maiden album you had bought - well, the disc wasn't new, of course, but it doesn't matter now. I watched you sing the songs, with that weird falsetto that only you do. In fact, I hate this band. And I hate your weird falsetto. I stayed there. I think of what Camille said, "We have to make certain sacrifices for love, Logan." And that's when I started to question myself: Do I really love you?

Weird or not, that's what I thought when we were listening to that stupid album you had bought. You were enjoying it. I wasn't. And I made myself really clear by the expression on my face. But I was still there, steady and strong, for you. Perhaps this was a proof that I loved you, right? I think so. I don't know right now, much less what to think. Everything happened so fast that I could hardly breathe. You never let me breathe, Kendall.

Speaking of not breathing, came to my mind the nights that I spent at your home. First night, only conversations. Second night, the discovery and the first kiss. Even our first kiss was weird. It was past midnight and we were drinking your mom's whiskey on the floor of your room, while we were watching some awful romantic comedy that you rented. Something with that foot-face actress, Sarah Whatever Parker and Matthew Mc-I-don't-know-how-to-write-it. I was almost asleep when you asked.

"You want to know something awkward?" you said as you looked at me with your eyes quivering. Effect of alcohol.

"Perhaps." I say in an attempt to seem mysterious and ambiguous.

"I feel something that I shouldn't feel for someone I know."

"Really?" I wonder with disinterest. You always thought I was faking, but the truth is that I really wasn't interested. But I didn't wanted to play rude, so I asked "What do you feel?"

"I think I'm in love with someone I shouldn't" you reply, as you play with the edge of the blanket between your fingers. This was exactly the thing that you do when you're nervous. I began to feel afraid, for you.

"Can you tell me who it is, then?"

And then you began to cry. At that moment, I was really scared. The worst was not knowing what to do. On impulse, I landed my left arm over your shoulder and said "Hey, calm down... calm down... Just breathe a little, ok?"

Then you looked up, but kept looking at your fingers, still playing with the ends of the blanket. "I-I d-don't know if I-I can ..." you say between sobs. I still remember how much your sobs gave me chills.

"Cannot what?"

And that's when everything changed in every way. Your eyes were... I'm not sure how to describe. A mixture of fear and curiosity. Were more closely to each other. Our faces invading the comfort zone of each other, so that I could feel your breath. Somehow, I was embargoed because of all the climate. The tension between us at that moment was palpable. Everything turned out so different and yet so dark that I just let myself be carried away by the moment. Then your lips touched mine, and for some reason - perhaps the whiskey – I repaid. Your mouth was so soft that I ended up handing the moment. God, writing it down seems so tacky. But it wasn't.

Then we parted and looked at each other. Remember that?

"I- I ..." you paused for a second and stood up "Sorry, I don't know what came over me."

"No, no ... So are you… kinda… liking of me? "I ask.

"... Maybe. "

By this, I didn't knew what the fuck I had to said. After the kiss, I shouldn't be so impressed with the answer of my question. But to hear it out loud, it was like a runaway train had just hit me. Every part of my body shivered. I knew it wasn't common. Mainly because I was feeling it because of you. How long did I knew you? Two months? Of couse, I knew you just by sight, but still. There was a month since we started to talk to each other. We were good friends at that time.

"So… you are… kinda…?"

"NO! No, no, no…" you looked a little upset about that whole scene. In fact, I felt a great urge to laugh at that hour, only to see your frightened face. "I mean ... I do not know ... "

"Um ..." and then everything turned into a heavy silence. You kept looking at the floor, embarrassed. Your face was as red as a tomato. I just felt my face burning, while waiting for a more specific answer.

"I gotta go" I said, and turning right to the bedroom's door.

"Wait," you ask. "Where are you going at one in the morning?"

"I don't know." And I was serious. It was as if the whole atmosphere, the world around me had changed from one moment to another. In a moment we were sitting, watching that bad movie and drinking whiskey, half asleep. In the other, I was about to leave your home because you had made an unusual… declaration. "I just need some air."

"But it's dangerous to leave alone at this hour ..."

"I think I can handle it." I reply dryly.

"Please ..." was the last thing I heard you saying before I go through the door and go to the street.

I felt the cold wind at the time I put my feet out of your house, and noticed that I had left my jacket inside. I was just fine with a white shirt and jeans. Despite the cold, I continued to walk anyway. My mind was pretty confused. Very confused. Perhaps alcohol whiskey, or by cold air of the night, everything went one step weirder for that whole situation. Fuck, you had just said that you liked me. Well, not all letters, but technically you said. And I knew you weren't gay, much less me. Or, at least, I thought. Still, I couldn't help being a little shaken by it. I mean, I've never dated. I never got to be with anyone before, much less - so you can be discovering now - kissed someone before.

Yeah.

So, knowing that someone like me was kind of a shock. Of course, Camille had told me once that some people were interested in me, but never took it seriously. So because I was always focused on my stories and my extracurricular activities. I'm not a nerd, but you know that I always bothered to get any way to get into a good college, and my extracurricular activities and my place in the swim team were my only key to get into a good college.

I continued to walking down the street without even knowing exactly where I wanted to reach. I could go to my house, but I wouldn't walk seven blocks to there. And all that I didn't wanted was cross my way with my mom. I saw that the Hammer's market was open. I always thought stupid of him to keep the market open for twenty-four hours, but at that moment, I couldn'tbe more grateful.

Entered the store and soon heard the sound of that annoying bell that sits above the entrance door. I went to the paycheck, where the old Hammer was sitting.

"I thought you were leaving your child working at night." I said.

"And I thought you didn't drink," he retorted, relaxing in the recliner, "but here you are at one thirty in the morning reeking of whiskey." He raises his nose a bit and gives two sniffing the air. "Hmm .. And it's a twelve. What a good taste you have! "

"Shut up, Hammer."

"Hey! I guarantee that your mother taught you to respect old people, Logan ... "

"I'm not in the mood for stupid jokes right now."

"Okay, okay ..." Hammer said, raising his hands. "So, boy, what happened?"

"Nothing." I replied. All I didn't wanted was think about that scene again. I was still nervous. I remember I looked at my hands and they were shaking. I admit: I was scared at that time. When I realized that Hammer was about to say something else, I grabbed my wallet, I got ten dollars and placed on the counter. On impulse, I said "Give me this pack of cigarettes" and pointed to a silver in the package.

"I thought you did not smoke."

"But I can start now."

"Okay" Hammer got up and went to one of the fridges of drinks and took a bottle of water. When you sit down again, took a small bar of chocolate. He put the two items on the counter and handed it to me. "Here, on the house."

"I don't need this shit." I pushed the bottle and the chocolate forward.

"Logan" then he handed the bottle again and chocolate. "I don't know what happened, but seems to have been something bad. Drink it, breathe a little, and eat the chocolate. If your mother knew you've been drinking ... "

"Fortunately I'm giving a fuck about her."

"Ok .. This might be just the alcohol talking " Then he opened the bottle and handed it to me. "Take. Give it a shot."

I was a little reluctant at first, but then I picked up the bottle and drank all the water, and soon after, I ate the chocolate bar. "You're right, I feel a little better now."

"Good boy ... Now, go home and sleep. "Said Hammer. " But first, brush your teeth, 'cause when you speak, I can only feel your terrible breath of whiskey."

"I will. Thank you " I gave a smile of gratitude to him.

"Anytime." And then I left the shop.

So I thought about what I had done. I shouldn't have gone that way of there, much less should have left you crying there. I confess, it was rude of me. I had to fix it. So I went back to his house and opened the front door. You had not locked it. So I climbed the stairs being careful not to wake his mother and his sister, and came to his room.

The whole room was dark. The television was off, the DVD player and the lamp on your bedside table too. The blanket was still on the ground, but the whiskey bottle hanging on... your hand. You were laying in bed, groaning, sobbing, and crying, as you took the bottle to the mouth. I watched you drink a few sips of the drink. I didn't knew what to say. A sense of guilt and shame came over me, and let a tear drain in the corner of my eye. So I went to your bed and sat down.

"Logan?" You stood up and sat on the bed. Only then could I see your eyes swollen and red, lit by the street that ran through the bedroom window.

"Hi, Kendall." I was a bit dowdy for having made you stay in that way.

"Look, I... I'm sorry. I didn't wanted to upset you, ok? I just got a little scared with all of this. I mean... we... I don't know. "

"No. I'm not mad at you, "And then I approached you, and put my arms around you and hold you tight. You stood still, and then dropped the bottle on the floor and fell into my lap. The sound of you crying gave me some comfort. Not that I was enjoying seeing you cry. I liked to feel what I felt. To feel that someone needed me at that moment. That you needed me.

"T-Thank you ..." and then you wrapped me on your arms. I never felt so safe and happy at the same time. I let my walls come down completely, and then I lay in bed with you. We remain there, lying. Your head on my lap, still crying. The beauty of that moment made me feel more alive. I kept watching the sound of his cry, until it faded, and I fell asleep.

I think, somehow, you knew I would come back, right? You knew that I would regret of what I had done, and would come back to try to make the things right with you. At the time, I didn't realized it, but now, remembering the whole event, I see everything more clearly. But I know that your crying was sincere. I know you were hurt.

Everything, all that occurred, determined an unexpected thing: us. You and I, Kendall. That began our story. But I should have known. Every story has its end. It's inevitable. Impossible. I was an idiot and inocent to think that would be something eternal. I can't help thinking that this whole situation that happened between us could have been avoided. I could have avoided the biggest mistake of my life. I should have listened to my mother when she said "Stay home. Do your homework and go to sleep. "I should have stayed there and not have jumped the window of my room and go to your house, Kendall. Yes, I regret. And I think you regret too, right?

Logan.

**Author's Note:**

> So, did you guys enjoyed it? Please, let me know! And it would be nice if you could comment too. If you guys like, I can update with the other letters, ok? See ya! :)


End file.
